Oh, Peter

Well, it's been a year since I posted here. Not sure really where else I can go with that, except that I'm ready to start pouring my life out again. For me, not throwing myself out there leaves me to have only myself to hold me accountable and that never really ends well. So because I truly believe that we were created for community by God, to know and be know, here's my attempt at being known again.

To say that I struggle recovering from religion would be an understatement. It's like it's so beat into my head that I can't get past it. Especially the part that says that my works justify me. It makes it all about me and what I did or what I look like or how good I am at some thing that makes me feel accepted. A huge struggle for me, and all us really if we're being honest, is truly finding our identity in Christ. Finding that the only thing that matters is what we look like to Him. If we ever grasp, I mean truly grasp, how wretched we are and how Christ gladly died for us then maybe we would come to see how we are viewed by Him as His children.

For me, it's tough to not seek my identity in the things that I can do. They are tangible. I am a good designer, I can see my product every day. I am a good husband, a good father, I work on computers well, I cook well, etc....and I take pride in those things. They become idols in my life, or really just things that point to the real idol of myself.

I've been thinking about Peter a lot lately. We read in Galations 2 where Paul opposed Peter because he acted a certain way around the gentiles and another way in front of the Jews. He valued their opinion of himself. We see in his denial of Christ how other peoples view of him mattered more than Christ at the time.

But, we also read about Peter's immense love for Jesus. He was one of the three disciples closest to Jesus. He walked with Jesus for 3 years and ultimately died a martyr's death upside down on a cross because he felt he wasn't worthy to die the same way Jesus did.

The point being that in my life, I tend to pull a Peter. I love Jesus, truly and dearly and want to know him more and more. I look forward to the day I finally come face to face with my redeemer. But despite my love for him, I slip and fall on this anti-gospel that says that my works (and self image) are good enough.

Here's what my hope hinges on and what I've been thankfully praying through lately.

Ephesians 2: 1-10
1And you were dead in the trespasses and sins 2 in which you once walked, following the course of this world, following the prince of the power of the air, the spirit that is now at work in the sons of disobedience— 3 among whom we all once lived in the passions of our flesh, carrying out the desires of the body and the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, like the rest of mankind. 4 But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, 5 even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ—by grace you have been saved— 6 and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, 7 so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus. 8 For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, 9 not a result of works, so that no one may boast. 10 For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.

But God.....very thankful for those two words especially.

Interesting

I came across these quotes somehow today...


The difference between believers and unbelievers, then, is not that the latter lack a conscience but rather that conscience inclines them away from belief. That same conscience, however, can guide them in living ethically, without religious reference points. In this way, the secular conscience stands prior to and independent of all religions and points toward a shared vocabulary for public debate in a pluralistic society.-Austin Dacey. The Secular Conscience.

The realization that the aim of scripture is not to impart philosophical or scientific knowledge "leads obviously to the conclusion that scripture demands nothing from man but obedience, and condemns not ignorance, but obstinacy.-Austin Dacey. The Secular Conscience.

During almost fifteen centuries has the legal establishment of Christianity been on trial. What have been it's fruits? More or less in all places, pride and indolence in the Clergy, ignorance and servility in the laity, in both, superstition, bigotry, and persecution.-James Madison. Memorial and Remonstrance.

Faith cannot escape the judgement of reason.-Austin Dacey. The Secular Conscience

Faith means making a virtue out of not thinking. It's nothing to brag about. And those who preach faith and enable and elevate it are intellectual slave holders, keeping mankind in a bondage to fantasy and nonsense that has spawned and justified so much lunacy and destruction. Bill Maher. Religulous.


These are interesting points and probably points that our culture embraces as a result of the hypocrisy of the religious. There is such a need for Christians to feel the urgency of the Gospel and be woken from our slumber and laziness to live intentioanl, distinct lives. Not lives of persecution and bondage but of love.

How deep the Father's love

I had never heard this song until this morning. The lyrics pretty much broke my heart. Especially the line "It was my sin that held Him there until it was accomplished." I hope you enjoy.

Thirsty and fainting

Last week I was reading in Psalms and came across Psalms 63. It says Oh God, you are my God and I will earnestly seek you. My soul thirsts for you. My flesh faints for you. As in a land where there is no water. So I will seek the Lord.

I read this and I kept picturing this guy in the desert and he has no water and is about to die and all he wants is a taste. Just a drop of water. That is his sole purpose in life is to get that water. His soul thirsts for it and his flesh faints for it. The Spirit really convicted me here and said this image is not of me. My soul does not thirst for Him nor does my flesh faint for Him.

I more often feel like Paul when he says in Romans 7:15 - For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. 16 Now if I do what I do not want, I agree with the law, that it is good. 17 So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. 18 For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. 19 For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. 20 Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me.

I couldn't get this image out of my mind and all I could say was that I want to be that guy. I want to hunger after God and the Word as if it meant life or death. I want the Gospel to so transform my life so that it does not matter to me what the world says about me or what my own personal ambitions are. That I would have this sense of urgency for the Gospel that compelled me and consumed me. That I would understand that my suffering in this life will pass but that eternity does not. That I would sacrifice my own desires and comforts for the sake of the Gospel.

So I came to this new place in my road to recovery. I get where religion got it wrong. But more importantly I am getting the good news of the Gospel and what it means. By that I mean that I am seeing the depth of my depravity. My wretchedness has been put before me and my flesh has warred against it. Religion says that I am a good person, see look at all the good things I've done. The Gospel tells me that there are none who are righteous no not one. But Christ has saved me from my depravity and though I struggle, wrestle and lose to my flesh, I am struggling none the less. So that leaves me to today. This has been on mind for about a week and today the practical application has been non-existent. The struggle continues. My prayer is that my soul would thirst for Him and my flesh would faint for Him as though my life depended on it.

Stirring words

Stirring words from Piper's "Don't Waste Your Life" (a book that I can't seem to get through after 2 years)...

Oh, that young and old would turn off the television, take a long walk, and dream about feats of courage for a cause ten thousand time more important than American democracy-as precious as that is. If we would dream and if we would pray, would God not answer? Would he withhold from us a life of joyful love and mercy and sacrifice that magnifies Christ and makes people glad in God? I plead with you, as I pray for myself, set your face like flint to join Jesus on the Calvary road. "Let us go to him outside the camp and bear the reproach he endured. For here we have no lasting city, but we seek the city that is to come" (Hebrews 13:13-14.) When they see our sacrificial love-radiant with joy-will they not say, "Christ is Great?"

Lessons Learned

A week has past since i almost lost my little girl. I feel like a new man now, changed forever by the events that occured just days prior. I've realized that the things that I took for granted just weeks ago are the things that I long for now. To be woken in the middle of the night by a crying baby, to change dirty diaper after dirty diaper. To have to put something of mine on hold to spend time with my daughter. I read the news and am utterly disgusted with the news of parents who choose to end the lives of their children while I sit here begging, yearning for the day when I can hold mine again. God has taught me a few things that I hope will be forever engraved in my heart when we leave here. One being that no matter how much I want to be, I am not in control. God is in total control of the universe, the earth and the sun and for some reason, my frail and minuscule, sinful life. This brings my love and adoration of him to completely new place. Secondly, that life really is but a vapor. God is the giver and taker of life under his good and perfect will and I am not one to question his reasoning. Thirdly, that I serve an amzing God who is still in the business of working miracles today. He is the same today as he was yesterday and will be the same tomorrow. And for that alone I would be forever grateful. We are almost out of the woods and Christ Jesus gets all the credit. Thank you Father, I don't deserve it but you choose to work this in my life out of your love for me. I may never get that but at least now I appreciate it so much more.

God is enough

I love listening to John Piper and one of his famous sayings is that God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in him. I was thinking about that while going through this with my daughter and just asked the question "what does that mean?" Here's the answer if anybody ever has problems understanding piper, God is enough. In my situation he is enough. He will sustain me, He will provide for me, heal my hurt and forgive me when I fail. He is enough. He is sovereign over this and he will be all I need to get through. When I am tempted to rely on something else to get me through or distract me, he is enough. And through that, by making known that he is enough for me in this situation and every one from this point forward, God will be most glorified. At your lowest point, God is enough. When people see that God is enough at that time in your life then he will be most glorified in you. May my reliance on Christ be ever greater than it is now, may I truly know that HEe is enough for me in this situation and in every other, not so that I may be comforted but that he may be glorified.