Thirsty and fainting

Last week I was reading in Psalms and came across Psalms 63. It says Oh God, you are my God and I will earnestly seek you. My soul thirsts for you. My flesh faints for you. As in a land where there is no water. So I will seek the Lord.

I read this and I kept picturing this guy in the desert and he has no water and is about to die and all he wants is a taste. Just a drop of water. That is his sole purpose in life is to get that water. His soul thirsts for it and his flesh faints for it. The Spirit really convicted me here and said this image is not of me. My soul does not thirst for Him nor does my flesh faint for Him.

I more often feel like Paul when he says in Romans 7:15 - For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. 16 Now if I do what I do not want, I agree with the law, that it is good. 17 So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. 18 For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. 19 For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. 20 Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me.

I couldn't get this image out of my mind and all I could say was that I want to be that guy. I want to hunger after God and the Word as if it meant life or death. I want the Gospel to so transform my life so that it does not matter to me what the world says about me or what my own personal ambitions are. That I would have this sense of urgency for the Gospel that compelled me and consumed me. That I would understand that my suffering in this life will pass but that eternity does not. That I would sacrifice my own desires and comforts for the sake of the Gospel.

So I came to this new place in my road to recovery. I get where religion got it wrong. But more importantly I am getting the good news of the Gospel and what it means. By that I mean that I am seeing the depth of my depravity. My wretchedness has been put before me and my flesh has warred against it. Religion says that I am a good person, see look at all the good things I've done. The Gospel tells me that there are none who are righteous no not one. But Christ has saved me from my depravity and though I struggle, wrestle and lose to my flesh, I am struggling none the less. So that leaves me to today. This has been on mind for about a week and today the practical application has been non-existent. The struggle continues. My prayer is that my soul would thirst for Him and my flesh would faint for Him as though my life depended on it.